one of those days

one of those days.
raw.
a dam of emotions that i have kept in. not wanting to open/ the burst of water/ the time to deal with it.

lack of patience.
lack of energy.
another migraine.
two little ladies testing me.

raising little human beings is complicated and trying.
mamahood is a crazy ride.

kids. oh my word- kids! I have this saying, i always say to get it together, when my kids are being crazy and i am lacking grace……i say out loud, "quit acting like kids". i makes me laugh saying it. because in reality they are KIDS.

zi is 4.5 years old and kiyah is turning 2 this week. what does this mean?
4.5 year old acting all grown up and responsible.
starting preschool.
being a wonderful big sister to kiyah and sharing her toys.
but, at the same time, struggling with boundaries and listening/obeying her parents. testing the limits. whining. complaining. crying. having break downs. we are in a shift with disciplining and learning what is effective and consistent in our home.
zakiyah, on the other hand, is well the second born. the crazy/ free-spirited/ doesn't care about anything child. she is limitless and very tender-hearted all in one! She is entering toddlerhood and leaving babylife behind her. so in result, there is a big shift going on in our home.

which means MAMA IS LOSING IT! like having melt downs with them somedays. saying ridiculous things that i wouldn't let my 4 year old say.

scene #1 i had the deck all set up for a shower yesterday and had stayed up til 1 am cleaning and washing linens and the hus decided to let the 4 yo eat/drink her smoothie with no lid on the deck, sitting at the clean table….and what happened? the smoothie tipped over. mama lost it.

scene #2 the SB -second born ;) - gets out of car at a park/field of grass and finds the 5 feet of mud and trips and falls in it. mama lost it.

scene #3 every TIME i am driving my car, the girls drop their sippys, loves, babies, snack cups, snacks out of the cup, sunglasses and want me to find it on the nasty crumb filled floor while driving………on their time and WHINE til they get it. not happening sister. not happening……… mama lost it.

there are so many…… my point. is ----- Jesus, take the wheel! give me grace. slap me in the face when i need it. hug me when i need encouragement. rub my tense shoulders. take my hand, and bring me to my bed….or a couch…or the floor for goodness sakes...make me nap. make me a coffee, when i am tired. pep talk me like a good coach does mid game- whisper your truths in my ear when i listening to the lies in the other ear. wipe my tears when i feel weak/lost/alone.

bottom line. i know i am not alone. just having one of those days.

i don't want this space to be a vent session/ or a soap box/ or negative christy being hard on herself. but, i do want this to be a place of being honest and real. open and heartfelt. genuine and bold.

i can't tell you how many people that i follow on instagram/blogs/social media and "follow" them to be inspired/encouraged/ or even just curious of their lives/homes/families/careers. but, it ends up bogging me down or giving myself the comparison game…or making me want things. life has been feeling really loud to me lately.

summer is such a blast and i come alive in this season. but, i am tired. i want to say "no" to things/events/commitments. i want to rest….. like actually take naps and not feel guilty. i want to prioritize  and keep my life "simple" and "open for play".

it isn't easy to say no. because ultimately, i care. i want to see people. listen and connect. i want to serve. i want to host. i want to be a friend/sister/daughter/mentor.
how do you draw these lines?
am i the only one that struggles with this? there are so many books/articles/posts that i have read on balance/schedules/life/mamahood/parenting/discipline/faith/priorities but what is the perfect concoction for me?

my priorities
my faith/ my hus/ my girls
my career/ health/ ministry/ family etc.

the list of other items is so long……….

today is a day where i am dealing with the stuff.
processing.
reflecting.
sifting through all of my web of emotions.

i need to give my husband and girls - my all. not the leftovers.

as summer is closing, i am anxious for fall.
new season. new schedules. new beginnings.
i am excited for fall- trying to have more of schedule that works for my family. i am starting a bible study called SEVEN by Jen Hatmaker. I can not wait. it will take me on a 7 month journey of eliminating different things in my life out month by month. I am hoping it will help shape me into the woman God has created me to be.

kind. patient. joy filled. loving. nurturing. reliable. passionate. trustworthy. healthy. balanced.

it is raining right now.
ironically.
i feel like it God washing over me with his grace.
thank you Lord for this reminder.

tomorrow is a new day.
i will start new.
hope in my eyes.