I want a do-over

processing.
overwhelmed.
emotional.
intense.

Do you ever have those days where you don't even know where to begin? Today, I want a do-over. I want to have a second chance on how to respond to my daughters. I want more patience. More grace. I want to create a better layout for our day to play out better. Less chaos. Less tantrums. Can I just say, that life with a 21 month old is crazy TOWN. She is sooooo full of love and zest for the world. But, that little Nova can keep me on my toes ;)

This morning, after working 26 hours in 2 days, I needed my game face on for our big…. normal day! Zion coming into our room at 6:30am to cuddle her mama. We spooned as I played with her hair. Starting out with Day two with a migraine, I ran downstairs as she lied in my bed, to grab Excedrin and an ice pack for my forehead……… back to bed to cuddle and rest before Zakiyah woke up. She ended up getting up around 7:30, so diaper changes and cuddles for my little toddler. I placed both girls on the couch, 2 Z bars, fruit snacks, iPad, lovies, nukky…….. while this mama made coffee and lied on the other couch trying to get my crap together.

Ballet. Oh my word…ballet. Can it be done already? Month 9. I am over it. I want a schedule free summer. I am over the whole thing. I am such a slacker with the running around biz with a 4 year old. Getting the girls ready and out the door is out of control somedays. My word, why are we still late for a 10am class, after being up for 3 hours? I am the mom, that at the stoplight by the studio, I am rummaging through my thirty-one bag trying to find Zion's slippers for her to put on in the car while I am driving, so I can run her in at 10:06. BARF.

And lets talk about Zakiyah coming with for 9 months to ballet and not being able to dance. To think when we started last September 3 (yes I remember the day), Zakiyah only crawled. Now, this kid wants to open the studio door x 30 times in 45 minutes and dance with sister. I am the free spirit mom that drives my teacher nuts with, just let her dance? Please, just let her dance? :) Then there is the drinking fountains everywhere I look for her to give herself a bath. She is so adventurous, to say the least.

Every week after ballet, we go to Target. Thank you Jesus for the free cheese, deli meat slice, and cookie. I am the mom of the year that opens a couple of boxes of annies snacks and juice box too. Don't judge. Then there is the stupid Cartwheel app. Good grief. I am scanning every stinkin item to save 5 cents on it at checkout. Digging through my items as they are sitting on Zion's lap in the cart. Ha. Half the time, trying to pry Zion's fingers off my phone because she is watching Tinkerbell. Mama needs cartwheel. Mama needs to call daddy and see what else is on the list. CRAZYTOWN.

After Target, we headed to the gym for me to have a meeting with a friend to go over a upcoming event. While I let the girls play! After being there for 2 hours, we headed home for naps, making 8 cards for Zion's teachers and packing up for church…. picking up a student, going to the chiropractor, going to church for a meeting, while kids are running around crazy. Me- observing the meltdowns and my kids showing me, "I am done". Going to a graduation ceremony for Zion's preschool program at church, while trying to contain Zakiyah Nova, 21 months old in a service at bedtime. HA. Laugh now, cuz it was not going to happen! After, the girls not listening, and being a distraction, I was over it. Leaving mid-graduation, Home we went.

Man, I have been soooooooo emotional lately. Raw // Pure EMOTIONS. Tears coming out of no- where. It is no wonder why we feel tapped out sometimes. I find myself looking through my instas and pix of my ladies and they are sooooo precious and serene. But, sometimes life isn't what a picture looks like. Don't get me wrong….. I love my life. I love my husband and girls. Life is hard though. Life has it's ups and downs. I can not get over mom guilt. Tonight, as Zion was apologizing for poor behavior, I let my tears stream down my face, showing her that mom was sad too. Mom's feelings were hurt. Mom was exhausted. Mom is sick of the attitude and acting out. While driving my girls home, after abruptly leaving church, cuz I had enough, and it was BEDTIME. I was surprised by the sincere apology in the quietness in our car. Looking at my 4 year olds beautiful pastel blue eyes in my rear view mirror, I connected with her gaze. She knew that I was done for the day.

example- the pix above shows… cutness overload of Zi reading to sis. But for one hour before this it was mass chaos and temper tantrum-ville in our family. pictures don't show everything. love this moment though. :)

Getting home, we got ready for bed, grabbed books and us three snuggled in my bed for books and cuddles. I needed it more than them.

Sidenote: after bedtime for the ladies…… Christy ate McDonald's fries (thanks Hus) :) and rearranged my living room! Therapy on Dunlap Lane! Ha! Moving couchs while reflecting and praying…..I love my girls sooooo much it hurts. So why do I yell? Why do I lose my mind sometimes? Why don't we feel like we are doing a good job? Why do I go in their room at night checking to see if their blankets are on them and stroke their hair away from their face, having guilt from not appreciating them all the time. Am I raising generous/ loving/ caring /considerate  / thoughtful/ sensitive/ rooted in faith / respectful / young women? Am I failing? This is the crap that I let sift through my thoughts. I am sick of it. I need to give myself grace. I need to walk away for a few seconds and get myself together before yelling. I need to not say mean words to my girls. I need to use this raw and honest awareness to my personality and get a grip (as I like to say).

Be the voice of reason.
Be the voice of encouragment.
Be the laughter in the room.
Be the safe place.

Am I teaching my girls that they are my priority? or an inconvenience?
Am I looking to God's word and discernment over my life…. my family….
Am I showing my girls that my love is unconditional or circumstantial?
These are the thoughts that are in my head and heart daily.
Do I treat them like I talk about them to friend or client…….. Showing them how proud I am of them.

I want to be the best mom for them, and not only that, I want to be the best woman for them. Sometimes, being a mom shows us who we are not instead of who we are. truth. Showing them how mama has rhythm in her days and can rock out a beautiful melody and flow. I want to show them, that I can juggle a career (in my home), a strong marriage, a firm foundation that is rooted in God's love, solid community, sacrificing my wants for others needs and being an amazing mama to them! I want to have them wake up in the mornings with the comfort of knowing their mama can't wait to see them, and at the same time, ending their day with their mama having grace for the drawn out bedtime routine, embracing this season shall pass.

I am not trying to complain or rant. But, I am just writing. Clearing out this space in my brain/heart and releasing it. Allowing God's peace to enter in my life and rejuvenate me. Lord, I need you. I need your patience and whisper.

I want tomorrow to be better. not perfect. But, more intentional. More calm.
Real life- there are no Do-Overs.
There are, Get your crap together and make the sun shine where it isn't sunny.
Make lemonade out of your lemons.

Tomorrow, I am going to laugh.
Giving myself time to laugh it off.
I am going to be real. raw. honest.
I am the only mama my girls have.
It is a privilege raising these two girls.
Zion Leilani and Zakiyah Nova………..
You have all of me.