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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Goodbye NUK--You make me BRAVE

Today marks Zakiyah saying goodbye to her nuk.
Mama decided at about 5pm that I was over it.
Zakiyah is 2 years old and 1 month……. it is time.
Impulsive. Stubborn. Strong. and Ready. (me and the 2 year old)
I have been holding on……. she is my baby. My last. My little lady. She loves her nuk. But, this girl is more stubborn than me. We have been trying to only have it in her mouth for nap/bedtime/car rides…but, there are a lot of extra nuk time she gets…. because it is easy. a cop out on my part.
Zakiyah, don't be so loud in the store. Zakiyah don't whine and cry. Zakiyah is tired and I am pushing her and dragging her to another store……….
Leaving church tonight after youth group and Zion's preschool group, is when I put on baby lullabies and give Zakiyah her nuk and lovie and let her rest for the 15-20 minute drive home…… not tonight…..crying and her tapping at her lips showing me she wanted her nuk. Zion trying to hold her hand and telling her she loved her…….me, explaining that Mama and Daddy love her and she is such a big girl being 2 years old now. No more nuki babe. Close your eyes and listen to the music….nope. She was not having it……
Getting home, and brushing teeth, getting the water in the sippy, and water with ice for Zion, brushing teeth, getting jammies on and changing diaper…….. We go into their room and Zakiyah is on all fours looking for her nuk under her crib. I pick her up and grab the 3 nuks and bring the girls to my bathroom and try letting Kiyah throw them in the garbage. One by one, she puts them in her mouth, while I, in return, take them and say "Goodbye nuki. Zakiyah is such a big girl now, she doesn't need you." She looking at them and me, with alligator tears and the silent cry…..wait for it… there it is….. whaling scream. I stroke her hair and bounce, singing worship songs and telling her I love her…….
I put her down and get my ipad and put on soothing sounds (waves and piano) and pick her up and bring her to the art room across the hall…..saying goodnight to Zi and telling her mama is going to rock Zakiyah to sleep, which never happens anymore. Zakiyah instantly collapses on my chest, as I rock and  whisper to her songs and pray for her. She fondles her index finger over her lips and occasionally sucking her finger for comfort, plays with the beads on my necklace and eventually drops her arms accepting her new life. Nuki Less Life ;) Eventually, closing her eyes and her weight dropping in my arms and on my lap. sigh…the best…...
I found myself looking out the window as I was holding my precious daughter with tears welling up in my eyes, thanking God for my life. God spoke to me tonight…about a nuki. and about finding beauty in the things I don't thank him for very often.
Thank You God for the finger printed windows that I was looking out of. Thank You for my awesome neighbors and for our home.
Thank You for the two girls that are pure CRAZY and test me in every possible way.
Thank You for the chaos of the simple things…….bed time and wake up time. Oh my word, wake up time……Getting up. Telling the girls they can't play on my phone.  Deciding on breakfast. eating breakfast. getting dressed. combing hair. brushing teeth, putting on the right socks that don't have the strings that attack my daughters feet on the inside (my word, i despise Target's $1 socks that suck me in everytime with their Hello Kitty…. they are lamesauce)  making beds. putting away the lovies and dolls and running out the door………
Thank You for the tiny hands that still want to hold my hands in parking lots, car rides, or cuddling on the couch or climbing stairs.
Thank You for the crazy / random conversations I get to have everyday with Zion. Like, having to explain to her why mama wears under garments different from hers. Or why are all of these people moving to our neighborhoods? Where are dare other houses mama?
Thank You for Zakiyah's random and hilarious sounds and facial expressions that she makes! The whistle face, and the head bop. How she loves MUSIC and dances everyday. How when she hears Coldplay or River Valley Kids she instantly grabs my hands and wants to jump and be free.
Thank You for the 3,963 times I hear Mama, and MOM in a day.
Thank You for choosing me to be their mom.
Thank You for the obnoxious car rides we have daily, where Zion decides it is time to learn her words/letters and takes out her notebook and wants me to help her write:  Caroline, Collin, Zakiyah, February 19 (her birthday) and Fall, while getting mad at me because I am driving and she wants to know how to write a letter and doesn't approve of my imaginary chalkboard that I sketch out the letter….not good enough…."Zion, wait for a stoplight and I will help you."
Thank You for the excitement the girls have for being the line leader in PreK / seeing anything Disney / falling asleep with their flashlight on from reading (looking at pix) of their bible.
Thank You for the meltdowns at the end of my work days or busy days/weeks because all they want is their mommy and daddy. Blessed. They choose to love us back. They love me.
Thank You for the little reminders tonight, Lord.

It is funny how taking a nuki away symbolizes more to me. Being a mom, and making those executive decisions, believing and knowing that my daughter will be ok. It might be a rough couple of days, but I know she can do it. She can rest without that security. She will find a new normal. It is my job to push my daughters into the next step. Cheering them on. Praying for their safety/life/future.

Do I live out my life in the same way, I push my daughters into new things. seasons. chapters.

Here is your new school, Zion…. Have fun! See you in a few hours.
Here is a new school lesson- you got this.
Here is a new teacher for a new sport… with new faces. You will be ok.
Here is the stage- perform. You will be ok.

I want to be a mom that shows my girls what bravery is.
I want to be a mom that pushes through my own insecurities, taking risks and getting my butt up after I fail or don't do it right the first time.

Just apart of this new season for me of God stripping my own comfort and rocking my core.

My favorite song right now has these lyrics that go like this:

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shores
into the waves

Ending tonight, with a smile.
A fresh reminder of God's love for us.
Thankful that my daughter is upstairs, sleeping nuk-free and she is ok.

We are all going to be ok.

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